Claire Coleman
Mrs. Belden
Honors English I
10 October, 2014
Until I’m Gone
April 2nd, 2012, 4:56 pm
Im going to start with the pro of the day to try to be optimistic. It’s Kimberly’s 24th birthday! Something I love so much about her is that when something so devastating happens (like the con of today) she is still so lovable and beyond beautiful, even with tears in her eyes. I can’t even describe to you my love for her, because I can’t put it into words. I can’t fathom what might happen to us; to our unconditional love. Kimberly, I’m actually writing this journal to you in our little apartment bedroom. To you so when I am gone you will have something to explore all of our last but amazing hours together, and so you get an even greater understanding of how hard it was for me to leave the love of my life, and the little lady who means everything to me. The pancreatic cancer is is me until the day I go to heaven. Until that day there will be infinite hours of snuggling on the couch, catching up on our recorded House Hunters International’s and ordering in Chinese. So many hours of visiting your favorite place, the Seattle Zoo. Kimberly, it’s your birthday. You're not reading this now but when you do I want you to know I’m sorry. Right now I’m feeling hopeless. Im sorry this had to happen on your birthday, the holiday that makes you appreciate life in a way nothing else does and the holiday you love dearly. I’m sorry, more than sorry.
Today, we were told that I have a year to live, but within that year our life will be a non-stop adventure. Watching the you makes me never want to leave you.
April 4th, 2012, 4:28 am
We’re grieving about this more and worse than I expected. I can’t sleep to save my life, and I just don't know how to deal with news like this so unexpectedly. I can’t bring myself to do anything but lay around, and stay inside the cozy pink and green checkered flannel sheets of our queen bed and think about things. Kimberly, I’m sorry for making the doctors appointment on your special day. Gosh darn it, why! Why did they only have an appointment then! I’m so frustrated and just beyond excited for these upcoming cancer filled days. What a joy. The doctor called today telling me to come in on the ninth. I wonder what this could be about…
April 7th, 2012, 5:36 pm
After three more days of feeling bad for ourselves why not look on the bright side and have fun while it’s still here. Today was an unforgettable day with you, Kimberly, at the Seattle Zoo. It’s almost as if we were celebrating your birthday today, just five days late. I had an unbelievable time scarfing down Dippin’ Dots while watching the monkeys play, on this beautiful spring day. The sun was shining so bright it gave you that feeling it was burring through the back of your shirt, but mostly I had an unbelievable time because I got to spend it with you. My favorite part of the zoo today was the water boat ride because of all of our laughs. I can hear you saying in my head, “You make me the happiest lady alive.” It’s the little things in life that count.
April 9th, 2012, 7:59 pm
Doctors appointment today. We walked into that cruel, grey room everyone dreads cheerful as could be and left exasperated as could be. Today, we were told that I have a year to live, but within that year our life will be a non-stop adventure. Kimberly, today you told me you wanted to marry me. I want to marry you also, however; my mind is a non-stop circus. Is that what you really want? Once I leave I’m gone forever never coming back. I can see myself falling into something deeper than just sadness. I weigh 122 pounds and the doctors keep telling me I need to start inhaling food, but I can’t push myself to do it. I weigh as much as an anorexic teenage girl.
…Until I’m better.
February 16, 2013, 10:59 pm
I say I am excited is an understatement. Today I had an unexpected doctors appointment and you already had plans to go out with Nicole and Nikki your best friends sense childhood who now live in the Big Apple for lunch. Of course, being my wonderful girlfriend you felt bad for not being able to come but I told you that there’s many more doctors appointments to come, knowing there would be. I dreaded walking into the office I now visit often, but today was different. I received the news of my lifetime. The doctor explained to me that I was one of the rarest cases of pancreatic cancer he’d ever seen. A miracle worked inside me, and the pancreatic cancer had left my body. I pulled out my phone immediately to call you and tell you everything but put it away quickly after when I got an idea. I knew you wanted to marry and I was dying to marry you. I decided to save the news until I proposed to you. My whole life I’d been planning to propose to you on your birthday but that idea was squished when the cancer came and I was expecting to die. This year, on April 2nd, 2013, I will tell you the best news of my life, on your favorite day in life to make both of our lives, together, perfect.
February 17, 2013, 1:31 am
I can’t keep all my thoughts together tonight. How in the world am I going to save the fact that the cancer is completely gone until your birthday? April 2nd is fourth-four days away! Now I can’t sleep because of my excitement.
April 1, 2013, 4:39 pm
One day until my dreams come true. My plan is for us to visit the zoo and ride the water boats, our favorite thing about the Seattle Zoo. That’s when i’ll pop the big question. I will forever remember the time you told me, “You make me the happiest lady alive” while on the boats. To you, I will say the same.
…Until tomorrow
February 3rd, 2013, 9:10 am
We are officially engaged! I can’t tell what you're most excited about, the fact that i’m officially cancer free or that I will be spending the rest of my life with you. I’m thinking about yesterday. We had waited 15 minutes to get on the boats. We were on, and almost to our favorite part of the ride near the monkeys when I explained, “I have the best news ever to tell you. The reason were not already engaged is gone, the cancer is gone and now I’m able to love you forever. I want to more than I can tell you. Without your help through these hard past months I would be dead, but you're here. You've changed my life drastically showing me what love is, and showing my our love is endless. You are the most beautiful, intelligent lady who makes my life shine so bright.” Now I got down on one knee and pulled out the little Andrews Jewlers box. I continued, “Will you marry me?” You were speechless. It shocked me for a minute showing me your amazing heart.
“Yes!” And we walked off the ride into the sunset happier than we’d ever been together. The best night of my life just happened right in front of me.